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Ocean in view! O! The Joy!

To Learn A Lesson

Posted on 2008.09.30 at 20:28
Party Morale: discontentdiscontent
endurance - –noun
1.the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.
2.the ability or strength to continue or last, esp. despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina: He has amazing physical endurance.
3.lasting quality; duration: His friendships have little endurance.
4.something endured, as a hardship; trial.

patience - –noun
1.the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2.an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3.quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
4.Cards (chiefly British). solitaire (def. 1).
5.Also called patience dock. a European dock, Rumex patientia, of the buckwheat family, whose leaves are often used as a vegetable.
6.Obsolete. leave; permission; sufference.

faith - –noun
1.confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2.belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3.belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4.belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5.a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6.the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7.the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8.Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.
9.in faith, in truth; indeed: In faith, he is a fine lad.

hope - –noun
1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.
–verb (used with object)
6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.
–verb (used without object)
8.to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9.Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).
10.hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition.

lesson - –noun
1.a section into which a course of study is divided, esp. a single, continuous session of formal instruction in a subject: The manual was broken down into 50 lessons.
2.a part of a book, an exercise, etc., that is assigned to a student for study: The lesson for today is on page 22. He worked assiduously at his music lesson.
3.something to be learned or studied: the lessons of the past.
4.a useful piece of practical wisdom acquired by experience or study: That accident certainly taught him a lesson in careful driving.
5.something from which a person learns or should learn; an instructive example: Her faith should serve as a lesson to all of us.
6.a reproof or punishment intended to teach one better ways.
7.a portion of Scripture or other sacred writing read or appointed to be read at a divine service; lection; pericope.
–verb (used with object)
8.to teach; instruct; give a lesson to.
9.to admonish or reprove.

Ocean in view! O! The Joy!

Well, at least, it's out of the way....

Posted on 2008.02.17 at 15:26
Party Morale: gratefulgrateful
I've always wondered what it would be like to be in a car accident. In fact it is one of the top three ways that I am scared of dying (being burned to death or drowning are the other two). And I've always wondered what it would be like to have a near death experience. I mean, we all had one last year when the tree sized limb fell on our tent (from about 50 feet) and buried some of it's branches three feet into the ground literally less than an inch away from a couple of people's heads. But that one, we didn't see coming, we woke up after/ as it was happening.

We were all awake last night, when we got in not one, but two almost-fatal car wrecks.

We were coming back home from Wolfpack Opener trying to get home as fast as possible because of the freezing rain advisory when just before going under an overpass we hit a patch of black ice at over 80 miles an hour. Fishtail, fishtail, swerve, huge fishtail, backwards, spinning, and then that moment where it was too late, we were going to hit the back and there was no longer anything we could do about it.  It was coming at us in a sideways forward manner at way way way too fast. If it wasn't for the half foot of snow off the side of the road that slowed us down we would have careened full speed into the concrete supports holding up the overpass. We are also lucky that the van did not flip as not only was it completely fishtailing, it was always rocking from side to side.

The only noise anyone made was eyrtk, the driver.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK. We're fine! OH SHIT FUCK FUCK. O.k. We're good. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT!" ...  *silence* ... as we careened into the fucking bank.

As soon as we got out of the car and pushed it back onto the road (a fucking huge undertaking, thank god we were being followed by Gorlock's car with more people in it), it was obvious why we slid. We couldn't even stand up on the road. We had to crawl/scramble to the van where it was now on the shoulder. I fell three times trying to walk 5 feet. div almost got hit by a car while trying to crawl accross the road. And btw.... the road under the overpass was a). on a curve, and b). tilted, one side being much higher than the other, as it was on a hill.

So then we get on our way again.

And go for about five minutes. And completely lose control again. The black ice wasn't a patch, the black ice was the whole fucking road. it didn't matter that we were going much slower, because we lost even more control. We swerved and fishtailed almost off a corner and down a 5 or 6 foot embankment, instead completely fishtailing off the other side of the road, deep into the median and almost into the other oncoming lanes of traffic on the other side. VERY. FUCKING. FAST. Because momentum was everything. Honestly, if eyrtk had not put on the brakes exactly when he did we would have died. Maybe not all of us, but more than one of us. Because the way we were going, if we went off that embankment and dropped, we would have flipped, and probably rolled and continued flipping. At least we were all wearing out seatbelts this second time. No one had been before.

That was a hell of a time getting back on the road. Even with the second car full of people. After that we went about 15 miles an hour, hazards flashing, in the emergency lane....still slipping, and sliding a little bit the whole rest of the way home, which thankfully was only about 20 miles. A long fucking 20 miles.

If any circumstances had been any different, we well could have been fucked.

Especially because we found out this morning that tow trucks had been barred from going out both last night and this morning. It was too dangerous for them. We could all still be there right now if we had crashed. There was nothing but us, the car, and the elements.

But now we can rest easy, because at least our near-death experience for the year is out of the way.

more portland at night


Posted on 2008.02.14 at 20:53
Party Morale: lovedloved
Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm not single anymore. I don't really care about specifically that. I meant to be single today (and for a while afterwards), but I do care about the person that I am no longer single with. A lot. Haha, there was no way I could or would have wanted to say no..... Honestly, this has been a long time coming, for both of us.


(No, I did not get back with the douche. It's someone else.)

fievel goes west tanya

He's sleeping with her now in that bed we shared, in our room.

Posted on 2008.02.04 at 23:35
Party Morale: amuseddirely amused/angry
I moved most all of my stuff and most of all the really important stuff out today and I saw the bed, and I knew because he sleeps with the pillows only a certain way with them all piled up, but they were spread out so there was a spot for her too. My old spot, ya know? My ex-roomate confirmed it saying that "it hasn't been consistently, only a few nights." In this time frame the difference between "a few nights" and "consistently" is a day or two.

I CAN'T WAIT to get the rest of my stuff out of there, because then I can tell him how I truly feel. I'm excited for that one because believe me, we won't be talking after this.

end of the road

Brain Dump

Posted on 2008.02.04 at 10:03
Party Morale: accomplishedaccomplished
We Sing Around The Fire: "The Widow" by The Mars Volta
I've got a lot on my mind and nothing but time so here I go.

For starters you know you've been in Iowa far too long when 32 degrees with a windchill of 18 honest-to-God feels warm, even the winds.

The main thing I've been trying to sort out is what is going on with Joel. His actions after the breakup have been completely crazy. (He had already gotten with another woman a day or two after he broke up with me and is hanging off of her nuts now.)

There are basically a few options.

1). It really happened the way he has been trying to swear things did. So the possible conclusions from this one is that :
    a). He is super immature.
    b). He is now kind of a scumbag all of a sudden.
    c). All of the above.

2). He has been lying to me from the start, either on purpose, or without realizing he was being a sociopath. The possible conclusions from this one is that :
    a). He is a scumbag, he has something wrong with him that he can't help.
    b). He is a scumbag. Period.
    c). He is really fucked up and the definition of criminal. (see a). and b). )

3). He has changed over the last couple of years. Possible conclusions are :
    a). He completely changed since I've met him.
    b). He has always been this way and I've been a total fool.
    c). He has always had these tendencies and they have been increasing and decreasing ever since I've known him, rising to a new high recently.

Out of all of these I truly believe that the truth is in 3). c).

In which case I think that there is a combination of a good person that I know inside of Joel that was present during most of our relationship but there was also a bad person whose presence was hidden by him through the good person being there in place, through lying to me, and through my own denial. This makes a lot of sense. There's got to be some truth mixed in with all of this, some truth about him being a good person, because that's what I've known and felt, but...yeah this conclusion makes so much sense to me.

Man, I feel so much better from this conclusion that I can't think about anything else. I'm glad I finally figured it out.

Ocean in view! O! The Joy!

I'd rather...

Posted on 2008.02.04 at 02:08
Party Morale: tiredtired
I'd rather die cold and alone having lived life on my own terms than to be surrounded by fruits of halfways and falsities.

end of the road

Scene Kids:

Posted on 2007.12.23 at 01:17
A New Map Location: Cedar Falls, IA
Party Morale: uncomfortablegrossed out
We Sing Around The Fire: "Ambergris March" by Bjork
My favorite reason right now that I'm not in high school anymore. YUCK!!!

ashland stage

SO Exctitied!!!

Posted on 2007.12.22 at 16:18
A New Map Location: Cedar Falls, IA
Party Morale: chipperchipper
Yep. Excitied. =)

Just for life in general. I'm excited for wanting to be a reporter. I'm excited for wanting to move to Oregon. I'm excited for Christmas and to open my Christmas presents. I'm excited to have today off with Joel and tomorrow off with him too. I'm excited for my good friends and excited to be friends with Elle, she is so awesome, and it's so great to have a female friend who is rad as shit and also I don't feel like she would ever replace me, and she likes us as much as we like her. So excited for what today is going to hold and for every day for the rest of my life. I am only a little anxious, which I can't help, but I am glad for a lot right now.

Ocean in view! O! The Joy!
Posted on 2007.12.20 at 10:26
A New Map Location: Cedar Falls, IA
Party Morale: hungryhungry
Joel. Of course.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend) -
Nichole, of course. lol

Elle. Holy shit she is awesome.

Let's see, this year has been kind of average. Getting through things to the point where I am at now with my job. And Joel too.


HAHAHAH!! ST. PATRICK'S DAY!! (So far, New Years Eve is going to be fucking amazing.

90s music, Apologize, stuff Gabe learned me, indie etc.

8) MOVIE FOR 2007?


Joel. lol

I didn't do anything for Halloween. Had to work all around it.

Tokyo. For sure.

Joel, all of them. Seriously.

To move to Oregon in '09 with my friends. And to take some time for myself recently. OH, or maybe going to the doctor to do something about my anxiety. That's probably the best one. I need to make an appointment to go back for a follow through.

Going back to school by the end of the year, saving up to move out to Portland, reallly challenging myself, oh and GETTING MARRIED!!!

Mixing alcohols that don't go together.

Top Chef. As always. No Reservations might beat it out.


Getting a real job.

Probably Tony. Not gonna lie on that one.

That's a whole nother post.

more portland at night

Emerging from the ash pile...

Posted on 2007.12.17 at 06:43
A New Map Location: Cedar Falls, IA
Party Morale: artisticanimated/creative
We Sing Around The Fire: "Between The Blue And Blackened Dew" by Birds Of America
 So, I'm not really sure what just happened with me in my life, but it was good, now that I'm through it.

I begin to feel more and more inspired by the things around me. I originally felt inspired mostly only by music, and it was my muse. If I stopped listening to it for a period of time, like I sort of have for the last couple of years (on and off) then the inspiration would dry up. I've been feeling so inspired lately it's been insane. I'm not sure if it's a new group of friends, new hangout activities, smoking pot, new and AMAZING music to listen to, my personal changes, my self-affirmation, or WHAT. But SOMETHING is making me feel better.

Although I've decided I want to be a journalist I also don't have a problem working part time at some laid back enjoyable job, trying to get various things published, trying to do commissioned art pieces for people (obviously only the specific kind(s) or There are only 14 days left in this year. art I can do) etc, etc. If I can, I think I may end up doing exactly what I dreamed, of, but never let myself think would happen.

I needed to move away to figure out who I was without all of my previous definitions and experiences hampering me. I didn't realize this until NOW but when I left Oregon I left everything in my head behind, excepting only that which I knew as facts. I didn't even have any expectations I now realize. What a good way to do things!! I did it unintentionally and it let  me form the way I was supposed to.

It also let me realize truly and the full extent of what exactly I left behind and what I want in life at whatever stage I'm in. I can think clearly now, compared to before. Heh.

I think I am going to go shower, get dressed in my new clothes, smoke a morning cigarette (Shepard Hotel! FUCK YEAH!), make sure the house is acceptable for the landlord to come over and fix the faucet, finish a poem, read a little bit, review if I have enough tie material for my new hakama patches and if I do possibly sew some on it, drink lots of tea all day and make some new SIms.

And probably more. Oh man, this day is gonna rock, so hard.

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